I found another website with info on PTSD that says a bit more that I needed to read.

This month has been especially hard for me. It might be because I made that video....looking at photos of Asher pre-diagnosis made me relive it all over again and I'm not sure that was the healthiest thing for me to do. Sometimes I think I need to do these things, because it will help heal me, but it makes me feel horrible and so much worse.

I find that, four years after diagnosis, not many people think about Asher or his cancer or his treatment, and no one asks about it anymore. But, I find I need to talk about it, a lot lately, all the time, it is like a daily book that I need to open. It is very painful. I'm in a very tough spot right now in my life and I'm saying it, I'm letting you all know. It sucks. It really really sucks.

I went to my first therapy session last week, on the 4th anniversary of Asher's diagnosis. It was only 40 minutes, and the therapist concluded my marriage was the source of all my problems, and as I was pushed out the door, I felt horrible. I could barely function the day after.

Yes, my marriage isn't strong right now, but it isn't the "source" of this stuff I feel. With a large yard and house and four children to take care of, I feel like I don't have enough time to process when I need to process. I find myself talking (or trying to talk) about the same stuff over and over to my husband, who, from what it feels like, doesn't want to listen to me. This weekend I was even asked by my mother-in-law if I talk with Scott about anything fun. Am I really that depressing of a person? It is especially hard for me, because I would rather talk to someone who has an emotional interest in me, someone who might even love me. Lately I feel like there are very few people that even love me. As well, I feel like really talking about this stuff alienates my relationships. That is why I finally decided to call a therapist. What made me pick up the phone....being alone at home, husband out of town, and crying that I had trouble stopping.

I feel like I need to go away for a week or two and just process and cry.... I refuse to cover this up with Zoloft or any other drug. I am convinced, a therapist can help me. The right therapist.

I'm not going to go back to this first therapist. I found one much closer to my house, and am hoping I can get in to see her early a.m. or in the evenings when Scott can be home, or during the day when my mom can watch my 4 kids. She is even trained on EMDR Therapy, and maybe that, and a little of Cognitive-behavioral therapy, I can be helped, without medication.

Here are some things I feel, at random times:

Re-experiencing the traumatic event

Intrusive, upsetting memories of the event
Flashbacks (acting or feeling like the event is happening again)
Feelings of intense distress when reminded of the trauma

PTSD symptoms of avoidance and emotional numbing

Loss of interest in activities and life in general
Feeling detached from others and emotionally numb

PTSD symptoms of increased arousal

Difficulty falling or staying asleep
Irritability or outbursts of anger
Difficulty concentrating

Other common symptoms of post-traumatic stress disorder

Anger and irritability
Guilt, shame, or self-blame
Depression and hopelessness
Suicidal thoughts and feelings
Feeling alienated and alone
Feelings of mistrust and betrayal

Sometimes my anger is very focused, like if I see the words "Praise God," or "everything happens for a reason," I feel like I'm going to explode. I've been waking up at 3am every night this month. This is new. I keep thinking I'm just hot; been pretty warm. But, it is the depression....

I need help.