UPDATE - I added my original journal entries to this (Scott's) blog. And, I will also do some posting here as I heard many of you want my (the mom's) perspective on this journey. Thank you for your support.

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I received a few emails from close friends asking about my online journal about Asher....

First I want to say that I started it thinking it would be the only way to update family and friends, and as the news was spreading, there were many people looking for updates. I thought Scott and I would have one blog and both post. Then I started one but he did too and it ended up being we both had one.

I can't even really begin to tell you why I have decided to not share it online, but I'll say I decided it during the night around 2am when Aubree was up, wide awake. I saw Scott's post about 'treatment protocols' and the 'Steven Bell Blog' and I clicked....probably my biggest mistake this week....

It depressed me....as if cancer isn't depressing enough. I didn't want this website to turn into a "memorial" some day. I didn't want complete strangers or even my mom reading about how I was really feeling but at the same time I wanted to be able to say whatever I felt at the time, without feeling guilty or someone saying I shouldn't feel that way. I want to remain positive and optimistic that my son will be in the 80% that get cured from this (although I don't really believe statistics matter). He is a fighter, and I am sure every kid is!

The biggest thing that affected me, that I read on a blog that night, and it was linked from the first one (I think I visited 5 that night), was the mom saying she had guilt....guilt about not being able to save her son's life and guilt about being on the computer when she could be with her son.

That's it, that is when I hit the delete key to my online journal. Wake up call for me! Going into my room on my computer or opening my laptop on the couch didn't feel good, didn't make me feel better....being with my son did and does! I am amazed at how good I can feel being near my son, even when he is in pain, telling him it is okay to cry or whatever it is he needs to do. I am there with him, for him, as much as I can. It was so hard for me to leave the hospital each night, but I knew Aubree needed me as did Alexa, even if it was during the night. Now my son is home, most of the time, and I want to be right there, with him, no where else.

You know, I don't want to cry right now, and I don't feel the need to, for the most part. I want to be focused. I want to fight this cancer. I want to go to bed when all the kids are sleeping so I can get as much sleep as I can. I don't want to be held by this computer and website. I have decided, even if I do journal, it will be for me and just for therapy, to get through my days when I can't cope with feelings, so I can sleep at night....if my mind is racing with thoughts or feelings and I can't sleep, I can type it out and then go to bed to get the rest I need to function the next day.

I am a perfectionist and wanted to make the site for everyone else, with great presentation, photos, and accurate info....now I realize this isn't about anyone else. This is about Asher. This is about my son, my husband, my daughters, me and our future. I am sure, unless you have or had a child with cancer, you can't begin to imagine how I feel right now and I have heard that some people don't want to know. That reading the journaling is too hard. That they just want to know the medical updates. That that is all they can deal with. I think that makes a lot of sense and maybe the most sense right now. I don't want to get others caught up in my emotions. I just want everyone that is willing to pray, to pray for Asher, for my son to not have to suffer or feel too much pain, for his strength and courage as well as our's, his family, those that must take care of him and watch over him and his sisters....pray for us all!

So with all of those thoughts going through my mind (they sound cluttered and messed up, don't they?) I hope you understand why I went private with my journaling. I hope Scott will still find the time to update all of you here in his blog when he can, but he returns to work next week and Asher goes to surgery this weekend and starts chemo shortly after....there is always a lot going on but I am sure he will post when he has time (and he types fast so that helps too!).

Thank you for your thoughts and prayers - God Bless You - Steph